September 13, 2009
People say a picture is worth a thousand words. This picture is truely one of those pictures for me because of the meaning that it has behind it. I don't post this picture to brag about something I did but to show God's grace in one of my weakest moments.
This picture was taken literally about 2 weeks before I found out the news that would forever change my life and send me on an unfamilar journey and amazing journey all at the same time. I actually was handing out stuffed animals at the children's hosiptal for Christmas. It was one of the most amazing things I have been able to do. Literally about 2 weeks after I was able to do this I found out that my dad had cancer. Although, I didn't deserve an award so to speak for going in the hosiptal with my heart's desire being to share God's love with those children it still felt like a slap in the face mostly because of the timing of it all. While I believe we should do things without expecting God to owe us something because after all God doesn't owe us anything I still struggled with God's timing in all of it. And God's timing is something that I still struggle with.
If God's timing was my timing my dad would be healed by now and the treament that he received back home would have worked and we wouldn't have to be going to M.D. Anderson for treatment in the hopes of God using M.D. Anderson to heal my dad. But God's timing is not mine. I don't know exactly what God's timing is. All I know that it is perfect and it's something that I don't understand completely but leaves me in awe of who God is.
I constantly lately find myself just telling God I'm tired and I'm ready for all this to over. Watching my dad in pain, the timing of how everything seems to be falling, and just tired of the emotions that I seem to fight daily. I find myself throughout the day being angry with God mainly because I don't understand why it is taking so long for my dad to be healed of cancer and ready for it all to be over, having to remind myself of God's promises and how He is faithful, having to call on all the other times God has been faithful in my life and that He is still faithful and that I can simply trust God even when I don't understand. I find myself having questions and arriving at no answers simply because God is asking me to trust Him even though I can't always see God's plan in this and trusting that somehow and someway that God is taking these ashes of my life and is turning them into beauty.
So how do I get through the day? I stop asking the questions and I get real with God. Usually the conversation that I start my day with goes something like this. God I pray that You would give me the strength and energy I need to face today. Help me to love people like You do. Through all the unexpected things that come my way today help to realize You are in control and trust You even though I don't understand. Help me to stop asking the questions. Help me to get through the angry moments I have with You throughout the day and comfort me in those moments. Countinue to strengthen, establish, perfect, and settle me like You promised You would do in my suffering.
Maybe in your life right now you are questioning the timing of everything that is happening in your life. I know for me the timing of everything just felt so wrong and like a slap in the face. Maybe that is how the timing of everything feels right now to you. I can't tell you why God choose the timing He did because I don't personally understand His timing of everything that has happened in my life but I can tell you that His timing is perfect even when it doesn't seem and feel like it.
So for me I had to stop asking the "why, what if, and the getting over how life should be" questions and start asking God to help me learn how to trust Him more that day. There are still times throughout the day where I have my angry moments with God and just wishing that life would go back to the way it was before December 2008. Through those moments I feel and know God is saying I understand, it's okay to have moments like this with Me, and I love you anyway and will show You what it means to trust Me anyway.
So whatever picture you have right now may you trust the Person who created and took the photo and the One who choose the timing upon which the picture was taken.
My dad is doing good. His rib is still broken but healing. Pray for his rib as it still hurts him. Thank you all so much for the prayers. They are felt and always felt at the perfect time when we need them desperately.
God's timing is perfect,